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ALWAYS THE WANKER

"Did anyone every tell you to only do what you feel comfortable with and you believed them, trust yourself not what other people say cause you don't need them, such spurious advice dealt out to except the trajectories of life's knocks, not just becoming vacuous giving accepting it would incur quite some paradox, man I'm the last person who I would trust to preside over such en devour, but as luck would have it that seems to be the situation however".

Mathematically speaking I'm a sound individual, the gods of chance have been keeping up a Stirling vi dual, I'm always lying when I say lucks not on my side, with lady opportunity spreadeagled before me legs open wide, Jack of all trades master of none well now I come to think about it maybe just Jack of some, but then I'm not bad at varnishing elocution to, just never the right finesse that impresses you.

Chorus

It's a charming tactic I'm always trying to outflank you, yeah so I always end up being the wanker, but one's always remembered for failure and not success, those small victories will add up when I'm feeling less modest.

It's only when I start to do my mental laundry, that I begin to fathom the deaths of my inner quandary, prioritize weigh the facts make an educated guess, but wasn't it this kind of speculation that got me in this mess, you think maybe it's time I lowered my standards, so I don't just have to rely on my left handidness, just follow your gut felling you don't know till you've tried it, but my gut feels unpredictable due to my unbalanced diet, look I'm the kind of person who looks a gift horse in the mouth, it might just be a disguise when really it's a cow, I say the grass is always greener sometimes less is more, please excuse me if I'm mixing my metaphors, I like to gamble in sensible moderation, I've been putting myself about for your consideration, but it seems obvious that you have yet to notice, that I'm the stock thats up the option with the mostess.

Repeat Chorus

“People say that if you find something you love keep on doing it, I'm just worried that by then I won't have the stamina that my youth did, maybe if you live your whole life on tinned tuna you should be aware of a caveat, that finally moving on to fresh fish may not be appreciated by pallet, but then maybe tined tunas not so bad especially at the price it's sold, well what else can I say but that it fills a hole... or should that be the other way round?

DANCE FOR ME MONKEY BOY

I've got my hands in your pants, you've got your hands in my pants. Etc

Come on now don't be shy, but do be careful with that zip fly, come on now don't be shy, but do be careful...

DEAD ROMANTIC

Trying to hide behind the veil of pretending to be nice, but I'm having a competition with myself to see if I can do it twice, but I can feel confident in the knowledge that if I find only humanities flotsam, that I always have the choice of my trusty fall back option, then at the end of the night when failure has ensued, you have another young man on your arm oh how could you be so crude.

Chorus

You be a cunt to me, and I am a cunt to her, then she's a cunt to them and there a cunt to whoever, you hope that someday you'll find someone that you want to be nice, but darling it's not you your just here for my amusement tonight

I'm a casualty of casualness, I've a sparkle in my eye and a callous in my chest, I need other people to pay for my mistakes, please except my abuses thats what it takes, I don't like your new hair cut seems and adequate excuse, so I frighten you off with tales of how I'm so loose.

Repeat Chorus

Tonight, tonight, just for tonight etc.

THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE

Well in the day of the life of a style journal, you could hardly imagine so many cases in need of referral, could people please try to account for their taste, so I don't have your attire faux pars in my face, I cross paths with some lads of the townie tradition, keeping Ben Sherman in business is their only mission, white jeans yellow shirt very tasteful mate, only need to piss yourself to colour co-ordinate, well moments later I hit further digression, over to the dark side of the visible spectrum, studded choker and matching glow skulls, razor scarred wrists from a failed group cull, yes the stalwart Goth in monochrome dress code, come on darling it must be your summer wardrobe.

Chorus

What the fuck do you think you're wearing, every bodies starring, looks like you walked out the house forgetting to be wearing your posing pouch.

Passing the strut of a scene homosexual, making a wide birth of a tramp with a can of Kestrel, with a techno mullet goes by name of Kenny, wearing all the things that you'd never by from Hennies, fag hag accessory sticks to him like tapioca, the pre-requisite jewelry of the queer mafioso, next I pass a guy I guess is dressed by charity, I thought tie-dye was a myth not a reality, man the crustiest dreads that I ever did see, I think he needs a visit from the hair police, girlfriend looks like she'd make good bedtime company, if only she hadn't spoiled it by dressing ethno frumpy.

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I dodged an independently dressed bloke waring a mop-top, yeah your about as alternative as a Calvin Klein knock off, it ain't a fashion statement your clothes are eaten by moths, just an unhealthy obsession with charity shops, As Luck would have it I pass the wino king and queen, scaggy old bitch tells me my trousers are obscene, "Wear a belt" (her speaking) now I start to get defensive, wear a paper bag lady because your face is so offensive.

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EVERYONES AN EXPERT

I try to wake up in the morning, to make something of myself, then I realize I ain't got much to live for, well I suppose there's always my health, so I go out to get the paper, but for the adverts and not for the news, for a solution to my vacant existence, but apparently I can't decipher the clues.

Try the garden centre, do some voluntary work, sell your body on the street, look II know how to put on a tie and a shirt.

Chorus

It seems everyones and expert, they think they know best, yeah everyones an expert, at being a pest, everyones an expert they think they know best, but I know better, because I've had my rest.

Try to get my references in order, but I can't think of someone with clout, if I use someone from down the pub, do you think they'll find me out, I'm in a bit of a situation catch twenty-two, considering my lack of experience, like trying to loose my virginity, but I can't rely on beer or my appearance.

Consider joining the army, or moving to Slough, try praying to God, with your motivation it's in his hands now.

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HARDCORE MF

I'll drink you under the table as a matter of pride, cause drinkers of my stable are so fer to arise, you t- totalers say that my behavior is extreme, but I just don't like to get blood in my alcohol stream, it's not an addiction but I'm always in need, since I won that drinking competition with Oliver Reed, by the laws of science I shouldn't be alive, but I've got one thing to say Fuck It Imbibe, forget it mate you ain't got the first chance, because there's more booze in me than a shopping trip to France, I'm a stoic alcoholic like Norm from cheers, until you're emotionally flat your still wet behind the ears, but I'm not invincible though not a lot of people know this, cause see my doctor told me I was going to die from alcohol serosis, but no worries I got it sorted out on the NHS, they gave me the liver they pulled out of George Best.

Chorus

I'm a hardcore mother-fucker from the days of old, a better man would be dead and cold, yeah I'm a hardcore mother-fucker from the days of old, a better man would be dead and cold.

I'm a full time cainer of the first degree, I eat a lot of biscuit and I drink a lot of tea, I hang about the house doing nothing all day long, to show my initiative I use jungle Action Man as a bong, Hey all that smokers ya knows this, I'd rather be sniffing lighter fuel than have cannabis psychosis, you see I like my consciousness to achieve a higher level, by sitting in the driver seat of a mitsibuti turbo, I like to take my shirt off an hug lots of people, oh everyones so lovely I feel we're all so equal, but come that moment when the serotonen runs out, I suffer the harshest come downs of any man with out doubt, this much of a head fuck would send a normal person completely insane, so respect my suffering the pain the pain, Cocaine! Cocaine! I must have some Cocaine, so I can tell the same really interesting story about myself over and over again, it's improved my life immeasurably it's cured my hay-fever an now I never have to go to bed, I mean the only major downside is that half my nose has fallen off my head.

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I really am a dirty basted I suppose you could call me the cock of the school, if you think I haven't been there before you then mate you're a fool, my demographic is wide there's no accounting for my taste, but if you're really pretty I might ask if you don't mind if I cum in your face, I have a disposable love life my attention never lingers, that's why I've had my fingers in more pies than you've had hot dinners, but it really takes some sacrifice to achieve this, cause you ain't a man until you've had syphilis, now with the decline in society today that ain't much of a task, cause now the only prize worth having is the virginity of the arse, I'm the brown wings instructor the back door I do favor, I like to dip my wick in chocolate for the texture and not the flavour, I collect muddy flowers with the greed of a thief, just so I know I was the first to get it passed your ring piece, now there's one more ambition to make my life complete, the ultimate achievement when it comes to anal feats, the rear of the year I must get there first, I'm going to be giving the brown love to Charlotte Church

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LAW AGAINST YOU

I normally try to keep about me an air, that says conversational diligence, irreverent humour with flair, but no obvious lack of intelligence, but then you walk in the room unknowing, that your gone to keep me from doing my best, I can't put my finger on the thing that stops me in my tracks, but it's something more than the shear perfection of your chest.

Chorus

There should be a law against you, because your messing with my free speech, I'm a charm casualty, I'm like a whale on a beach.

So I try to make a first stand, and I get myself some dutch courage, try to keep a lid on it play it cool, but really just trying to stop myself proposing marriage, I open my mouth and words do come out, but the anecdotal evidence is weak, but it's your fault no mine going around looking like that, you know I can hardly even imagine the cheek.

Repeat Chorus etc

MADE MY GIRL (SOUND LIKE A 909)

I made my girl sound like a 909, she ain't no looker but she sure sound fine.

MEAT THE FAMILY

I fucked your brother I fucked your sister I fucked your mother too, I fucked her in the bath while you were wanking on the loo, now I start to wonder how is your father, walking funny I imagine since I fucked him hard rather, I fucked your auntie and Bobs your uncle, but I wouldn't fuck him because his infection is fungal, then heartbreak I had to call an ambulance, when I'd finished fucking your granny and gramps, I fucked you niece and nephew I fucked your favorite cousin, I fucked your future grandchildren who number a dozen, I fucked your god-parents you know they don't easily embarrass, and I fucked your third cousin's mother in law twice removed by marriage, I did some research and I fucked your childhood sweetheart, your favourite spice girl and your geography teacher, then I fucked the gnomes on your garden path, and I fucked your pet rabbit and I split it in half, I exhumed you great-grandmother and I was in luck, she came back to life so I gave her a fuck, but still a bigger relative fuck I had to administer, so I went back in time and fucked our common ancestor, then I went back even further to ensure my coup, and used my dick as a swizel stick in the primorial soup.

PARDON MY GENEROSITY

Excuse me he said have you a minute, no sorry time's a theoretical construct not a trinket, it's just it's about deformed tree aniexty, it's the very latest fashion in donating to charity, well let me think ur.... no!, but the trees sir the trees where will they grow, oh for the meager burden of a small monthly donation, you can be sure the poor trees get to reach gestation, more like pay for the chance to get molested in the street, by a trumped up ex-telesales rep with cabbage in his teeth, if I'm going to get stung to look after depressed foliage, realistically it'll be by one of your females colleges, but if you really have to you can try it, and you can suck my fucking cock and like it.

Chorus

Probably be the highlight of your whole life, it's nothing personal honest now would I lie, don't mean no offense no I couldn't possibly, sorry you'll just have to pardon my generosity.

He take this flyer she says defiantly, it's for a talk by the peadophile solidarity society, what?..oh it's just there's a shortage of persecuted individuals, locked up for crimes of freedom over whom we can keep a vi dual, so we just picked a minority group that aren't the systems darling, that's why you should come to this talk it's being given by Jonathen King, no I don't think so it's my washing day, you capitalist fascist pig I bet your in league with Nestle, well I quite like fruit pastels Gap and leaking oil tankers, are you discriminating against me? Yes cause your a wanker, if you really have to you can try, and you can suck my fucking cock and like it.

Repeat Chorus

Charity singles, paper mache, rights for pigeons, cheese and onion pasty, sponsored sky dives, volunteer work abroad, new fangled package holidays, where you can pay to do the chores, celebraity fund raising auctions, extremely large checks, great photo opportunities, with Posh and Becks, well if you really have to you can try it, and you can suck my fucking cock and like it.

SEX PEST

I saw you from the other side of the room, it looked like you had been tracking me since I left the womb, you cross the dance floor to make my acquaintance, I have to admire your lack of patience, then you lock your stare onto me, it's not effective it's just kinda scary, then you tell me of your carnal experience, a catalouge of dirty old man interfearance, you smile lick you lips and say please, I say I'd love to but your a heaven of vinerial disease, since I met you now I know love does not have to be bought, cause your not the village bike you're a form of public transport.

Chorus

How can I make you see can I make you understand x3

You Ain't nothing but a sex pest, X3 I only did you because I was under duress.

I thought I'd lost you in the crowd, then you physically assault me with you mouth, your in a kissing competition so it doesn't matter, well I've never been so flattered, you offer me a drink and I cannot refuse, but I check it for rohipnal when I visit the loos, do I run do I hide to I tell the truth, nah I'll just play it aloof, I'll tell people you have a mental disability, it's what I like to call care in the community.

Chorus

“Look I wouldn't do you with someone else's on a bargepole when hell freezes over and pigs can fly, has that clarified it for you”

Chorus

“look are yo following me home?, this is really quite sad you know, do you have no self respect, look do you really think this is going to work, well okay then it's not like I've got anyone better to do.

WELCOME TO ME WORLD

A couple of steps behind you as we're walking down the street, you might be making conversation but I be talking to my feet, I'm irrespective of your vies on the arch bishop of Canterbury, cause I've already retreated in to a more interesting fantasy, now I be walking home after a couple of beers, when some wanker push into me call me a dirty fucking queer, well I say very witty your insults are so harsh, but you wouldn't know a homosexual if he fucked you up the arse, well to this he seemed to take some offense, as did his nearby group if cider drinking friends, “oh dear mate were going to fuck you up proper, they'll find your rotting corpse outside the happy shopper”, well come on then lads I'll try to be impartial, little did then know that I put the art into martial, so one of them comes up to me and tries to throw a punch, so I remove the wind from him and give him a chance to review his lunch, in a pool of his own vomit he just sits there crying, while his pussy boy mates leg it without even trying,then a pretty young lady says “way to make him hurl”, I say hey darling welcome to me world.

I'm sweet to the taste but not tooth harming, I'm witty if rude but I never fail to be charming, my timing is impeccable my style is bonified, hey girl from my advances there is no place to hide, I use your mum as a sounding board for my cock, to make me pitch perfect like a tuning fork, together we can hit a resonance frequency, with an older lady I never thought I'd reach this level of intimacy, so I head out on the town to make some commotion, the train is there to pick me up so now the wheels are in motion, like a dog after a stick you might call me rover, cause I've got more luck than a four leaf clover, so I hit the location to exude my charms, and before the night is over I have a nice little number on my arm, people ask me with the ladies how do you get a first chance, it's cause I'm so frigging good I don't need the arrogance, so I take the girl home I think her decent was Russian, and I don't mean she talked a lot but she was soon gushing, she laid back exhausted her hair all unfurled, I say hey darling welcome to me world.

Then at a moments notice I come out of my trance, to find that to our final destination we had advanced, you ask what had I been dreaming about was it extra curricular, nah I say... nothing in particular.

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